(o˘◡˘o) T R U S T (o˘◡˘o)

Trust. Trust is a word we can identify with no matter where we are at in life: in a relationship, being single, having a lot of friends, having a small circle, having a steady job, being unemployed -- the word can translate to anyone in some capacity. For me - so many compartments of my life are fucked over with trust: friendships, family, and romantic relationships. With friendships: I have just attracted some of the most disgusting scum of the universe that get happiness from putting down others and bullying them. I am someone that tries my best to hope for the best in most cases but expect the worst. There is a small voice in my brain that says each individual I meet has some glimmer of hope to not be a total asshole. Well - for 99% of the people I have let into my bubble (which is few and far between) - nearly all of them have gotten tired of me because I was just a "project" to them, went as far as they could with bullying me or I realized how toxic they were and I was able to drift away naturally. My family? My blood family smeared any trust you're supposed to have with relatives by inflicting these concepts into my life: rape, torture, verbal abuse -- and more. My past romantic relationships? Filled with cheating, deceiving, abuse, and manipulation on some location of each of those spectrums. Having all areas of my life inflicted with severe violations of trust has left me very paranoid, lonely and nervous to take on any type of social construct in my life. I am here today to give you some advice if you can relate to me. You still have this yearning to keep trying because your loneliness simply encompasses you and tears you apart. But - it's a slow process. Making a friend, finding a new "Family" member and dating. It's terrifying to dip your toe into the water of these oceans of life. But we keep getting back up and trying because that is what being a human pretty much is defined as. We want to be alone but also we don't. It is necessary to have these friendships, relationships and connections to be a living being.   

As much as I have seen the absolute darkest forms of people in any aspect .. I still crave having a partner, friends and people I consider family in my life. It sounds crazy but it's just natural. It's important to realize that anyone you let into your life after a severe trauma - they have to know what they are getting into. I'm going to be using my current relationship as an example. Trust is something that any kind of connection needs to survive. Due to all I have gone through - I have a lot of annoying ass quirks. I don't even want to use that word - let's just say, "knee jerk reactions", - to almost anything that occurs. So many simple interactions in my world are triggering. I try to be strong but it just hurts and is difficult sometimes. I really wish I could change this but that's impossible without some drug that'll wipe out my personality completely. 

I have been in such a broad range of relationship: severely abusive + controlling to someone too immature to someone so embarrassed of me / hiding stuff on their phone while having secret calls with people late at night...I think I have seen it all. I was going to swear off dating and romance after my previous relationship. Then I met Stephen. Let me say that the points I will be making should apply to any kind of relationship: friendship, family or romantic. I have never been in a more trusting and "normal" relationship. It's beautiful and rare. It makes me realize how much I absolutely did not need to tolerate all these years before. It was all leading up to this. It was all worth it, in a way. For me - I have been cheated on in all of my serious relationships in some form of it: sexting, hiding conversations, full on cheating physically and so forth. To say the least - I am very insecure and kind of expect to be cheated on at this point. My points I will be listing are directly resulted from this dishonesty in all of my romantic relationships but I think can be transferred to most areas of trust. 


This is the most crucial thing in 2018. Passwords, apps, emails, texting..........it all can be SO easily hid. I think if you are in a committed relationship - these things should be constantly shared. You should just know (without it being weird or controlling) your partner's pass codes, passwords, apps, and all of that jazz after a certain point. There should be nothing that either one of you wants to conceal from the other. When a particular amount of time passes - if you feel uncomfortable being totally transparent - that is just a red flag for me. I am so open with all of my tech. You can have my bank account info, email passwords, phone code....take it all. I am not up to anything suspicious so I do not have even half a reason to be skeptical of allowing you to have access to my world. This also, with my past, comes with SEVERE paranoia. I am dating the most trustworthy boy in the galaxy yet I still have theses subconscience thoughts and patterns inside myself whenever he receives a text, email or anything virtual. I will, without hesitation, think he is cheating. It sucks because logically I know it is not happening but I can't help but pull up that pattern for my entire life of being cheated on and having all trust shattered. What makes this relationship work? My man is SO transparent and clear. He leaves his tech just lying around, unlocked - kind of knowing I will look without realizing what the fuck I'm doing. He tells me of all his interactions...he is just very understanding. He has been through this himself - so I do this for him too. You really just need to find someone who is ultimately compassionate and empathetic. I have unlocked (get it??? UNLOCKED - LIKE A PHONE) the jackpot in that. 


It's psychotic to have to know where someone is at all given times of the day. As much as you wonder - you really can't harass, poke and pry to see what someone is doing. Truth always comes to light at some point so let nature do it's work. If you really can't stand not being with someone 24/7 - end that relationship now. Cut it off before it gets more horrible. 


Miscommunications are bound to happen. It's not a big deal AS LONG as you are upfront and honest as soon as you realize there was a miscommunication in any capacity. Nothing is ever perfect. You need to be able to pinpoint your error and sincerely apologize. Most importantly - it has to not become a pattern otherwise you really are not learning shit from you fumble. Put effort into things. Don't be TOO selfish. 


Is there a two way street with helping each other out in times of emergency without some stipulation that you need to pay back your "debt"? I think in relationships/friendships - if you have a good thing going there should not be tabs kept on each other as to what you monetarily owe. It's imperative to understand lending a hand while also not becoming a doormat or bank -- obviously. I think it's beautiful to just have this silent understanding, "I got you and you got me - no matter what". I buy my friend's meals if I can, pick them up a little gift or cover them if I can. I only do this if I am confident they would do the same. I feel like I shouldn't have to say that - but to cover all my bases with trolls - I am clearly not referring to situations with charity work or donations! 


In any kind of relationship..judgement is just not welcome. (Within reason!) Your partner, friends or family should not whip you down for how you want to live your life, the choices you make or the emotions you feel. We all are complex and unique - it's ridiculous to sit there and pass judgement if you truly love or care about someone in your life. If you're going to partake in this - just cut that shit off because that is not a good person to have in your world. 


The worst thing in any relationship is hearing that you didn't live up to some crazy expectation the other party / parties had in store for you when they began the connection. You have NO responsibility to live up to any goal someone has for you unless you set it yourself. You should only need to offer yourself and the rawest version of yourself to someone for them to accept you and love you. If you find yourself changing little things to gain acceptance - you ain't hanging around the right crowd.


Ultimately - actions will always out power words. I have been swooned by all sorts of people: boyfriends, friends, family............yet their actions completely contradicted their "intention". It's pretty easy to lie to get what you want so I've learned to wait to see someone's actions before determining if they are a true friend / partner or not. A recent example is how I was the victim of online bullying from someone I really thought was a close friend. They turned on me and brought a large group of people who didn't know me at all with them. I shut down. I would have ended my life if my partner didn't live with me and was home that night. I sat there and saw how almost NOBODY who I did think were my friends come to my defense when I would, at the tip of a hat, come to the aid of the people on my list that I anticipated would be on my side. Nope. Not even a reach out. It made it much worse for me obviously. I realized so many people told me they loved me and cared - but really didn't when it came down to it. This was a hard wake up call. I had one of the worst mental breakdowns of my life because I also realized how this has happened so many times in my life with "friends" that choose to turn their cheek when I actually need them yet I would jump in front of a train for them. Just earlier before this particular incident - I dealt with a "friend" spreading blatant lies about me and causing the worst drama I have ever experienced for no reason whatsoever...... It was all ultimately one sided on my end of love and half assed promises on the other end. It sucked. It has made me the strongest I ever have been though. I have no room for dramatic, immature, lying assholes. Unfortunately - so many people are this way whether they realize it or not so this has left me with a tiny speck of a circle of friends and I plan to keep it that way to avoid this kind of situation ever happening again. 


Surprise pin drop! I will be dropping this set of ice cream pins based off of my fave nail lady - @littlemyth - sometime soon with a giveaway where you can treat yourself!


Speaking of treating yourself - I took a plunge and gifted myself this killer kawaii jacket I've been drooling over for the longest time from @misskika. 


Yeah you're mad at me for not posting within a week of my launch. I had to get a new camera so a new video will be up SOON!

***Thank you to bulletblend + PastelM-onsters for graphics used!***

Disclaimer: These are my opinions on what I think I can recall of certain events in my life. I am in no way accusing anyone of any crimes and will never provide personal information such as names, addresses, and things of that nature. This is all being used to tell a story to help others out who may be in a similar situation.