Why It's Okay to Not Forgive Everyone

Citizen just dropped a dope new album entitled, "As You Please". What's my favorite song? "I Forgive No One" This is such a powerful phrase that just got rooted into my bones and made me feel something. This week's post is all thanks to this song.

Most people are taught to always forgive those who hurt us so that we can move on and be better people. A lot of us can relate to going to perhaps a religious school growing up so it's in the Bible to forgive everyone at all times no matter WHAT. I was force fed the Catholic version of this basically saying that if I don't forgive any person that hurts me - that I will burn in Hell because Jesus was able to forgive literally everyone. Well - I'm here to tell you that forgiveness is not always necessary in order to move forward in life. 

Obviously forgiveness is required if you want to spare a relationship - whether that's romantic, friendly or a family one. A lot of things ARE forgivable: not making it to an event last second, white lies, taking the last bite of food, not paying you back for that Subway sandwich, and so on. 

On that same token - some things are NOT forgivable. You can still be a good person and be mentally healthy without forgiving someone who did something horrible and disgusting. This is a smaller scale of things that would simply be on the red side of the moral compass: racism, abuse, rape, sexism, transphobia, bullying....I think you get the idea. Some things are just OKAY to not forgive and you can still be a mature, mentally healthy person. Now - this can differ case by case as everyone has their own limits as to what they will and will not accept and that is okay. I'm here to break down for you the things in my life that I will never forgive in hopes it will inspire you to realize that  idiots who are dragging you down that have wronged you - you can still move ON without giving them the satisfactory of accepting some half ass apology. 

For me - most of you know a majority of my story. If you haven't heard of it you can get a gist of what I have survived by my list of what I personally can't forgive (names will not be dropped as a courtesy because I am a moral human to some capacity):

  • Being raped by my father and my brother
  • Being physically tortured by my father and my brother
  • Being physically and verbally abused by my mother
  • Having been cheated on in almost every past relationship whether that is having secret phone conversations at midnight, sexting, full on physical cheating, etc.
  • Physical and mental abuse / controlling-ness in a previous relationship
  • Bullying from three people in particular through elementary and high school
  • Lying individual(s) who tried to turn an entire group of people against me due to boredom with their own life
  • Being cyber bullied and attacked online without any confrontation from someone I considered a best friend in the past

Those are the things that I, personally, will never forgive but have accepted have happened so they do not affect my day to day life. I will always think of them. But - if the people being spoken about ever were to seek forgiveness - they will die without that relief. It sounds harsh but if you TRULY care about someone in any capacity - the things I listed above that I have endured should never happen even once. Now - outside of my list of things that have occurred to me one on one - I have a slew of other things that I will not ever accept and those range from racism, transphobia, homophobia, sexism.....and things of that extent. 

FIND CLOSURE IF YOU NEED IT

If you don't want to forgive someone or a group of people but still yearn for closure - that is totally normal and okay. We crave that being human. I have that issue all the time and will struggle with it forever. If you can't escape that feeling of needing an "ending" to a story - try to seek it just once. You usually will not receive what you want in any capacity but the action of just attempting this can help you feel better. I know I have reached out to some people that have 110% wronged me with no avail. At that point you need to realize the other party is simply a terrible human being so you're better off never trying to understand their reasoning because it almost always will never be something on YOU - it is just their own insecurities shining through. 

IGNORE, BLOCK, REMOVE

After you attempt to find some closure to whatever situation - do not give into any form of communication with the other person/people. They had their shot and at this point they want you to tell them that their actions were okay and justified. It is HARD - really hard - to ignore these communications whether it's through an email, DM, text or what have you. It gets easier, as with anything, with time. Soon you'll become so disgusted and scoff at how often someone tries to chat with you so THEY can try to move on. Almost all of these attempts are self centered anyhow - remember that. They not only destroyed your trust/respect with whatever situation happened - but they refused to talk to you on YOUR terms. It's not okay to accept that kind of controlling behavior even if they aren't really in your life anymore.

TAKE YOUR TIME ON REFLECTION AND EMBRACING EMOTIONS

I recently dealt with a situation that gave me suicidal thoughts with how intense it was with the emotional betrayal I felt with someone. I took my time to cry it all out, yell it all out and drain myself of any negative feelings I had. I wrote down all the thoughts I had. Once everything was exhausted - I finally felt better. I talked about it over and over again with my partner and a few close friends - and I am finally moving on about a month later. There's no time limit on your grieving stage but for me - a red flag for needing to push forward is when I realize I am saying the same thing over and over again and nothing can even change. If you spend a week crying and repeating something to yourself - it may be time to force yourself into a different routine. Ensure that you gave yourself a healthy amount of time (I'd say 1-4 weeks depending on the severity) to really cry/yell it out though. If you still can't push through - you may need some professional help which is totally okay too! Harping on things is not good for your health - physically or mentally.  It IS okay to keep your past experiences on deck to grow from and to recall if a similar situation presents itself later on so that you are prepared - but replaying it over on repeat can deteriorate you. 

All in all - don't feel like because an individual has suddenly come to light and absolutely needs your forgiveness to move on - that you HAVE to grant them that serenity. You really don't. It's not your job. Your job was remaining a good friend/lover/relative to "x" and they betrayed that bond with doing "____". Take this with a grain of salt. A lot of things are certainly forgivable after all. Think of it this way: When something shitty does happen between you and someone else and it is their own doing - would you ever want to continue the relationship with that feeling of mistrust anyway? You're ALLOWED to forever reflect and smile at the good times - but I doubt they would be present in the future if you decided to forgive an unspeakable act in an attempt to "be a good person" and savor a dead relationship.

PERFECT HUMANS NEWS OF THE WEEK

As a lot of you know - I am the Sole Proprietor of Perfect Humans now. I'm so excited to have this freedom to create whatever my brain thinks of! Here are 2 designs in my new Nostalgia series: Sailor Courage and How Could You Be So Heartless? Available soon!

FLICK OF THE WEEK

The Flatliners got horrible reviews. I am unsure why! I loved this film and thought it was a thriller that had an interesting concept. It paid wonderful homage to the original yet still had a nice modern spin to it. I think if you love suspenseful/psychological/paranormal films - you should see it while it's in theaters!

INTERVIEW ON DECK

I'll be interviewing Spanish Love Songs next week! Stay tuned to learn more than you ever realized you needed to know about this amazing band. 

 

****TYSM for graphics used: AbandonedCamerabulletblendtoff-u,  bulletblendcal-vain****