In the past year, it's astounding to me how many relationships have ended when it comes to the people in my life. It's obviously very sad to see those around me bummed out! Break ups are typically always messy in many different ways: emotionally and physically. It's always a really overwhelming feeling when it happens -- whether you are the "breaker-upper" or the "breakee". I have had my fair share of mess ups when it comes to relationships. I think I can safely say I've experienced almost every part of the spectrum of why relationships do not work out - except for those involving kids, buying a house or something like that. I wanted to share just a little advice with you all because everyone can relate to how horrible break ups can be.
WHEN A BREAK UP HAPPENS
Breathe! Don't panic. The band aid has been ripped off now so there's no use in trying to reapply it to the wound. Breakups can happen completely out of the blue or be a long time coming. Regardless if you're blindsided or if you have known this was going to happen - accept it. Like anything in life -- death, break ups, failure -- it can feel paralyzing. You need to accept that it's happened. Don't beg and plea to try this over again. Why would you want to go back to someone that clearly doesn't want you? You should have more pride than that. Even if you did get back together - it will not be the same in any way and will never go back to that normal place you were at once before. That never works! There will always be little thoughts in the back of your head depending on why the breakup occurred. They will eventually drive you insane so to track back to my point - a band aid should not be placed back on a wound once ripped off. It's time to start the healing process!
ARE YOU REALLY SURPRISED?
If you are thinking this breakup came out of nowhere - have you had the time to step back and really look at the situation? How many fights did you have where someone was asking the other to change? If you REALLY care about your significant other - you won't need to have the same fight over and over again so perhaps subconsciously you wanted the breakup to happen so you decided to never take those ultimatum conversations seriously. You didn't truly want to change because it just wasn't a good match to begin with. Did you really think you were the happiest you've ever been with that person? Sure - you may not have been lonely anymore and had security when it comes to routine - but that, by no means, is reason to think that's what happiness entails.
Take a little time to sulk, cry, scream, and be whatever kind of emo you need by yourself. Write it out. Eat & drink it out. Get to a low point and soak in the depression nice and deep. Spend a week in your bedroom blasting the most sad songs you know. Whatever you have to do to let it all out. The point I'm making is - DO NOT ACT LIKE YOU'RE OKAY. Do not just bottle everything in and try to move forward at 110MPH. This is not healthy and at some time will blow up in your face.
Okay, so your pity slumber party is over. I'll say a good month of sadness is pretty normal depending on the severity of the break up. But it's time to shake the dust off your shoulders and go outside! Hit up your friends and force yourself to do something: shopping, a concert, drinks, the gym, a museum -- you get it! Start twisting your own arm to do something to feel normal. Dive into your job or schoolwork wholeheartedly. Find a way to start a new routine for yourself even if it's as minuscule as taking a walk everyday. Make something work to get the ball rolling. You'll be back into a normal flow in absolute no time.
I would say those are the most basic tips to keep in mind during heartbreak. They are that, basic, but are very easily forgettable in the moment. The second half of my article this week is going to give some key tips if you are IN a relationship. Thanks to my black clouded past of relationships - I think I have a good sense of what a healthy one is now.
YOU CAN'T EXPECT PEOPLE TO CHANGE
I'm not sure why this is still a thing - but people (mainly girls in my experience) think of themselves as a "fixer". For example, if you're starting to date a musician who tours all of the time and is truly passionate about their work but you want to be with a stay at home dad type guy - you may be thinking that you can convince your boyfriend that YOUR goals for him are more important then what he wants to do. You'll get pissed that he has shows and are gone for weeks on end - but that's what you signed up for. Another example, a more basic one, is finances. If you get started in a relationship and see that your significant other blows with their finances - it is NOT your job to tell them how to spend their dough. You can offer advice, obviously, and lend a hand if they WANT that - but you can't expect them to start spending money like YOU do because.....we are all individuals. You can't control someone. There are TONS of examples but I believe my point is made. You can't start a relationship, knowing how someone is as far as their dreams, goals, mindset, etc. and want to morph that to what YOU want. That's psychotic and you will grow BITTER towards your partner over time if you act this way because you'll be angry that they are still their original selves. People typically don't change permanently. We are the way we are so if right off the bat you absolutely can't stand "x", "y", and "z" about your honey buns - it is not going to work out and you need to look for someone who's habits/goals align with yours! You do not need to sacrifice core values just to be with someone. I guarantee someone is out there whose brain fits ever so perfectly with yours. Just be patient!
PITY ISN'T A REASON TO BE WITH SOMEONE
Pity, along with any other negative emotion (fear, anger, whatever) is not a reason to keep a relationship going. If a relationship isn't working out and your partner is diagnosed with a terminal illness - DO NOT FEEL OBLIGATED to stay with them just for that reason. That's insane and leads to bitter feelings, cheating, and a whole slew of other dark things. You just can't feel obligated to be with someone because you feel like it's your duty - that's not how a relationship will flourish. It will wilt away with time if that's your reasoning.
COMMUNICATION & HONESTY (=TRUST)
This is a truly prime reason most relationships will fail. No matter how compatible you are with someone - you're going to have arguments or disagreements. You NEED to be able to work past these through conversations that will be uncomfortable. These conversations will help you truly know your partner too! It all goes together - to find out what type of life and goals your S.O. has for their life - you're going to have disagreements over: finances, how their time is spent between work and such, family, and all of that jazz. These talks will help you realize if this is true love for all of eternity or if you need to go your separate ways. Communication can be as small as letting your bf/gf know that you hate the outfit they're wearing and can be as humongous as letting them know you don't want to have kids. It's a spectrum but you have to make it a habit. Little lies will turn into hiding major truths! If you find yourself needing to tip toe around the person you spend nearly all of your time with - it's time for you to reevaluate the relationship. No relationship will ever be perfect. Both of you will mess up in many ways over the course of your time together. It's imperative to always be honest with your boyfriend or girlfriend no matter what. I'm a firm believer in always being upfront because if you drag something out or water it down - it will ultimately bite you in the butt. Before even dating Stephen - I told him all about me from my health issues to the horrible details of my upbringing to my past relationships to all of my weird quirks so he EXACTLY knew what he was getting himself into. I think that was the smartest thing I ever did because obviously he didn't judge me for any of it but there were also zero surprises for him in regards to who I am. I hate being lied to. Even if it's over the most mundane thing - I will automatically suspect you're doing much worse if you conceal the truth from me even once so I try so hard to practice what I preach. I put "=trust" in this point because if you have true communication and honesty - you'll never have trust issues which is a whole other can of worms.
DON'T RELY ON SOMEONE TO BE HAPPY
Please - never be with someone because you think they are the reason that you can be happy. Nobody can ever be the sole reason for your happiness - that's ridiculous. They can elevate your happiness and make you a better person - but they can never be why you are happy overall. You can't go into a relationship thinking that the other person will cure your: depression, anxiety, financial issues, and everything else that is mentally wrong with you. Obviously your partner can assist you in getting over those problems but they are not the main solution. You are your own person so you can't add another human into your life if you 100% hate yourself. I am not saying to be over confident and cocky before trying to date - but never think you have to stay with someone because you will be NOTHING without them. That's a little over the top and dramatic. You will be FINE without them - and probably depressed for a while - but ALL of your happiness should not be coming from one other human who is not guaranteed to always be in your life anyway.
NEVER STOP SUPPORTING, SHOWING AFFECTION & STAY OPEN MINDED
Never stop being the cheerleader your love needs! Yeah, they know you support them but it's so much more powerful to be consistent with that support. If you can't get excited to support what your partner does (art, teaching, sports, etc) then they may start losing confidence in their talents or think you don't care. If you're with the right person, the honeymoon stage will not be a stage! It will be the entire relationship. LISTEN to your partner and dedicate time to them - do not take that for granted. Those things are FREE to do and go a long way. Keep things interesting too - maintain date nights and experiencing new adventures. I think all three of these things really coincide and if you're doing just one of them right - all the rest will be easy and happen naturally. It's a domino effect!
IT SHOULD BE EASY
No relationship should take a lot of effort. If it's a perfect match - all of the things I'm mentioning should require little to no effort. Being open to trying new things, wanting to better yourself, staying honest, and so forth should not feel like a chore if you are head over heels for someone. My current relationship is........the best feeling in the world no matter what is going on. I want the best for both of us - but even if the world ended or we were homeless - I'd be just as happy as I am now as long as it's with him. We have had a very small handful of arguments - but we ALWAYS sit down and talk it out after to see why we fought and what we can do to grow from that. I never feel like we have to compromise to make things work and that we are totally on the same level in all ways. If I need time alone, I can have it. If we need a night hanging with other people, we can have it. If I'm depressed or really anxious - he understands and tries to help. He takes care of me and I him. Nothing feels like compromise or sacrifice. Even the uncomfortable conversations are something I enjoy doing to an extent because they just bring us so much closer. Long story short: it should just be easy - because life is not easy with what it can throw at you.
That is my little guide for both breakups and relationships. They are two sides of the same coin so I thought with Valentine's Day approaching - you may be in one of those two boats. Thanks much for reading this week and #staynerdy!
DISNEY ADVENTURE OF THE WEEK
Stephen F I N A L L Y got his Disney pass so he can be Disney geek with me! We stayed at the park almost all day / night. We hit up Cove Bar first to dive into some nachos and I ordered off the secret menu: A Sea Witch. (Pictured above) It was a vodka drink and soooo delicious. Stephen rode Soarin' for the first time and loved it. I'm so happy I can see that kind of 3D (Reminder I can't see 3D when it comes to needing to wear the glasses). California Adventure has this neat Chinese New Year section right now so we ate some food there and checked out the scenery. We JUST missed Mulan, too - I never see her out in the park and was ultra bummed I couldn't get a picture. Then we had a nightcap and hit up Disneyland. We shared a Mickey pretzel and then rode Astro Blasters. I am OBSESSED. Then we rode that Finding Nemo ride - which was impressive but I don't think I'll ride it that often. All in all it was super fun as always. We added a few new pins to our collection but didn't find any good trades.
MANI OF THE MONTH
I went to my usual nail spot but didn't have my usual nail tech :( She was very rough and made every one of my fingers bleed! But it came out great despite the pain. I love this shade of purple and didn't want to be *too* cliche for Valentines Day.
INTERVIEW ON DECK
This Saturday! I'll be coming to this show early to interview Patrick from Ash Williams. I'm so stoked and hope to see you there! Stay tuned next week to read how the interview goes!