Hey, Gary, I'm home... forever.

I’M FEELING REAL FUCKING INSPIRED TODAY AND WANT YOU TO FEEL REAL FUCKING INSPIRED TOO SO FUCKING BE FUCKING INSPIRED WITH ME. 

Have you ever been fired or laid off? Let me clarify - have you ever been fired or laid off unintentionally? Good for you if you haven’t, but I think most of us have and can relate to the situation. It sucks, to say the least. If you were blindsided with this news - you probably will be hit in the face with the metaphorical “FAILURE” stamp. I’m here to tell you that you’re not a failure in the least bit! Although at times it can be rightfully so - most people get fired all of the time for not the most legitimate reasoning. It can be totally biased and not truly based on work performance. So first things first, go ahead and have a pity party for yourself the night you are terminated (Maybe watch The Terminator? *pointy gun fingers*) but then it’s time to lace up your boots and get back on track. 

BREATHE

If you are super critical and hard on yourself for every minuscule thing (I would have NO idea what that feels like….not at all. Nope.) then you’re probably freaking out at the moment. Please don’t! You need to make a game plan and create a good one so you can’t be hyperventilating and attending a sob fest - it’ll make your strategy card soggy and then you won’t be able to read it and then you’ll be back to square one. (RUN ON SENTENCES FTW - COME AT ME, GRAMMAR POLICE) So just breathe, meditate, and realize this will be okay because remember before this job when you were unemployed and in the same boat? Yeah - just inhale and exhale. 

UNEMPLOYMENT

After you have your breathing down and Negative Nancy thoughts out of your head - it’s time to file for unemployment, food stamps, and whatever other government assistance you may qualify for. You can do this all online nowadays and it takes fifteen to twenty minutes tops. Even if you find a job tomorrow - this is the fallback you are going to need if it takes a bit longer to find a gig. Food stamps are a life saver too because they cover basic hygienic products such as deodorant, shampoo, etc so don’t fret on not being able to afford the necessities - MURICA HAS GOT U COVERED BOO. 

RESUME

Upon filling out all applications possible for the government to assist you during this shit time -  pull out your crinkly, cob web covered resume. It’s time to update that thing! I’ve written a lot of resumes for others and have always had a knack at making mine stand out. How do I do this? I’m not only totally honest about my past, but I put myself into the writing so it doesn’t look like a robot typed it up for me. I have a photo of myself on the resume, so people can see how they need this cutiepie in the office, and I try to be slightly humorous in my wording since sarcasm is kind of my thing. Find your niche and completely overkill it - remember you are selling yourself to a business along with thousands of others who are just as qualified as you - so RUN THAT INTO ISH TO THE GROUND. If you are currently going to college, write that on there! Write any little thing that could possibly push you ahead of the herd. Try to balance the gloating to the past three years though - don’t include that gold star you received in kindergarten for coloring in the lines the best on President's Day. Perfect your resume by using resources such as: 

https://www.resumehelp.com/

http://www.monster.com/career-advice/article/resume-writing-help

https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/section/6/23/

TEMP AGENCIES, CRAIGSLIST, MONSTER/SNAGAJOB

There are countless resources available to you to help you get out of your rut. (Unless you are loving being unemployed - no judgement. Live your life man. Stop reading this and go to the beach or something.) First things first, get yourself setup with temp agencies in your area - this will probably be the fastest and easiest way to find a new job. The agency will do most of the work for you by hamming you up to companies and finding reliable places to be a temp at. If you are uncomfortable going through a third party, you really shouldn’t be! Do your research, though - look into what agencies you are about to give your information to. Check Yelp and other review sites first. Be a smart cookie, not a dumb oatmeal raisin one. 

    If you are STILL uncomfortable going through a temp agency - this will put a lot of work on YOU - which is fine if you’re up for it. I have always been an avid Craigslister- whether it’s selling (my body) or finding a job (of prostitution) - Craigslist has been pretty reliable. I know the term Craigslist gives most of us anxiety and can make us feel uneasy but, just like with anything in life, have some common sense. Learn how to sift through scams. If you receive an email asking you to be the assistant to the Prince of Bumblebees and it pays $1M a year…maybe you should think twice before sending over a social security number. In 2016, Craigslist is a very popular form of finding a job. Since moving to California six years ago, I’ve used Craigslist for almost all of my jobs. I have never had a shady experience or anything like that either. Please, just use your noggin. If anything ever feels weird or not quite right - just don’t follow through and move on. Hundreds of jobs are posted each day on Craigslist, so you’ll find another prospective place. Remember when replying to an ad to have a fantastic cover letter that’ll make you memorable. A go-to Subject line for me is, “Look No Further - I am the Client Relations Manager ______ is Looking For!” Then include a quaint, terse body paragraph that will make the recruiter want to open up your resume and see your journey in life so far. Stray away from words like, “If” and jam the phrase, “WHEN I get the job____” and “I look forward TO talking to you later today.” Be assertive and confident - people like cocky assholes in resumes.

    Last but not least, you can also use sites such as monster.com and snagajob.com to find jobs. The jobs on the two websites are definitely “valid” if you are skeptical of Craigslist, but usually start towards the minimum range field so that’s why I never use them because I need more then that at this point in my life. Most of the jobs posted on those sites are part time with no benefits as well, with my experience. 

DON’T BE A MULE

Don’t be stubborn and hard headed if you are having trouble finding a job. I’m someone who likes to do every little thing on my own with zero help from anybody. I see asking for help as a sign of weakness..but sometimes you really have no other choice. If you are looking at living in your car soon, as I was, it’s time to tell people what’s going on. Post a Facebook status asking who is hiring, message past coworkers to see if your previous employers are hiring because they will normally take back someone that already has training over someone who does not, text all your friends/acquaintances and even enemies. (What do you have to lose?)  You really never know who will respond. Not having a job is a terrifying feeling - especially if you only have yourself to rely on for income (Like me!) but most people want to help in this situation - even if you haven’t heard from them in years. You’d be shocked how many people tried to help me get a job in the past week that I didn’t even know if they remembered my face. ASK for help! It goes a long way. Don’t expect some random person to hit you up in a time of need and be like, “I FELT like you were going through a rough patch, my job is actually hiring and you start tomorrow!”  Don’t be a stubborn Irish ass like me. 

INTERVIEWING

If you are being persistent with my tips above - chances are you have had some calls to setup interviews by now. Don’t freak on the interview! Think of it as a performance. Interviews are not hard as long as you have these five things:


1. Positivity

2. Manners

3. Facts to back up stuff you embellish on your resume

4. QUESTIONS

5. Knowledge of the company you’re interviewing for somewhat

I swear, that’s all! Positivity and manners are probably 75% of any interview. People want to hire someone with good vibes because you can’t teach someone to be kind if they are a grouch. A grouch can ruin an office environment and team harmony. So, make your interviewer swoon over you. Be genuine and polite. People eat that up. Become friends with your interviewer before even talking about the job. Your resume probably has some blanket statements on it such as, “Fast learner, hard worker, quick on my feet”, ect. Be prepared to have examples ready to support why you put those skills on your resume. Anybody can say they’re a fast learner so think of a time that you learned a new thing super quickly and sugarcoat it up! There’s no “wrong” answer if you are super confident in your response. Trust me. Always make sure you have questions ready - even if you don’t have any or know the answer beforehand. Ask, ask, ask. It shows your interest. Research the company online and ask questions about what the day to day operations are like or even when the business was founded. These are always great ice breakers that can lead to long, successful interviews where you may even be offered the job on the spot! 

FOLLOW UP

I always follow up to interviews within twenty four hours. Even if I’m told I will hear back soon - I like to make myself really stand out and show how passionate I am for that company by calling and following up. It’s a nice touch that is hard to forget when making a final decision. It takes three minutes to do and is the cherry on top of your interviewing sundae. 

All in all, it’s okay to fail. I feel like I’ve been hearing that a lot recently - but it is! If you harp on getting fired, how will you ever morph into the next beautiful, butterfly phase of your life? Nothing happens overnight and if you are let go from a job - it obviously was not meant to be and it’s time to move forward. Moving forward will hopefully allow you to find you true calling or even make your dreams come true. In the least, it will allow you to find a stepping stone to what you’re REALLY meant to be doing on Earth. 

SONG OF THE WEEK

Red Hot Chili Peppers - are you surprised? Are you shocked? Are you so confused? Of course not. I love their latest single that was released today (Thursday, May 26 2016 to be exact.) "The Getaway" is so tranquil and smooth - it's polar different then the typical "beat bop" crap you make fun of the RHCP for creating over previous decades. It's soothing and soul bending, f'real. 

SNAP OF THE WEEK

Here's my important life - hopefully it makes you smile. 

THE SPRING HATES ME

Spring has never been a friend of mine. I say this because a few Springs ago I was laid off, nearly homeless, in the hospital for two weeks and was dumped. Cool, right? Yeah, I got over it but then last month I was in a car crash, was in the hospital (not really a shock with that one), and was fired - to put it briefly. Cool, right? Yeah, I'm finally getting over it thanks to some rad peeps. I just wanted to remind you if you're going through a ruff time that it'll pass! Yeah, it sucks and is terrible in the moment...and it feels never ending because when shit hits the fan - SHIT. HITS. THE. FAN. It's very normal for A Series of Unfortunate Events to be...A SERIES and can feel isolating -- but try to be open with the ones you love and they will help carry you through it. Things are finally getting back on track for me so maybe the Spring will be my ally someday. I just wanted to remind you - CHIN UP, BUTTERCUP. Whatever it is that is not so amazeballs right now - you'll get out of that sinkhole, I promise :3